In a book written by W. Thomas Boyce, M.D., “The Orchid and the
Dandelion: Why Some Children Struggle and How All Can Thrive,” he explains the
difference between adaptable kids and those who need a little more guidance.
After decades of studying the human stress response, Boyce
discovered that while most kids are resilient dandelions, orchid kids find it more
difficult to deal with stress. As part of his research, Boyce measured the
stress responses of children, including the reactions of their cortisol system
and the autonomic nervous system. Orchid kids had high reactivity in those
systems and had more severe responses to physical ailments, as well, like
asthma and pneumonia, pointing to a physiological reason for their coping mechanisms.
This wasn’t only an environmental issue either with the same
parents in the same home raising dandelions and orchids, side by side. Therefore,
approaching each child uniquely, under the same roof, matters.
With some watering and the right light, any plant can thrive.
For orchid kids, a calm environment with predictable routines suited them best.
Instead of dismissing their emotions, they do better with validation and support,
such as saying “I see you are upset. Do you want to talk about it?” Teach them
tools for coping like breathing exercises and mindfulness and gently encourage
them to face challenges. Give them space when they feel overwhelmed and
anticipate their triggers, minimizing input like noise or light if they are sensory-based.
Orchids tend to be naturally empathic and creative, so continue to encourage
those qualities and champion outlets that help them express themselves.
Dandelions need nurturing too, though. Even though they are
tough, you can’t leave them in the wilderness alone. Encourage their independence
but also help them learn emotional awareness. Maybe they need less supervision
than their peers and space to work out problems, but make sure they also
understand empathy for others and how to express their own feelings. Set the
bar high and allow them to find what lights them up, but with self-reflection,
so they can keep their resilience in perspective.
As kids are not always either/or, but a spectrum of
emotional regulation, some kids may be more like tulips, resilient kids who
need more support in extreme situations. With tulips, the key is knowing how
far and how gently to push them. They need to find balance with their emotions
and may need smaller nudges into being more independent. For these types of
children, being a flexible parent is key.
For all types of children, learning which methods work best
for your kids is the main takeaway. Knowing when to support, when to push and
helping them understand within themselves what makes them tick. In the end, you’ll
see a beautiful garden maturing.