December’s Delightfully Random Holidays (And How to Celebrate Them)

Wander around quoting random decades like you’ve misplaced your flux capacitor or asking strangers where the nearest telegraph office is. Carry a pocket watch while frantically checking the year on every newspaper you pass and if anyone asks what you’re doing, just whisper, “I’ve said too much.”

Channel your inner contractor to build a gingerbread house like an HGTV contestant who has everything to prove and far too much at stake. When the structure leans, pretend you’re embracing avant-garde architecture and if the roof slides off, call it “open-concept” and move on.

Mark the day by gathering your crew — coworkers, kids, pets, whoever — and attempting the simplest group activity you can imagine. And when it inevitably goes sideways in record time, just roll with it, because that’s the true spirit of Cat Herders Day. In the end, take it as proof that your patience deserves a cape and maybe even a sponsorship deal.

Turn your counter into a full-on chocolate-dipping assembly line and let anything within reach become fair game. If it stands still long enough, it’s probably getting covered. Dip fruit, pretzels, marshmallows or your problems in melted chocolate and call it seasonal therapy. And sure, the kitchen might get messy, but so does December, so it’s basically on theme.

Start every call with a hearty “Buddy the Elf! What’s your favorite color?” People will either smile or question your caffeine intake, both of which are wins. It reminds us that December runs smoother with a little ridiculousness and if someone doesn’t appreciate it, they’re officially a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

What started as ironic appreciation for grandma’s questionable knitting projects has morphed into a full-blown cultural event. The louder the pattern, the stronger the spirit. Wear your sweater proudly, because nothing says holiday confidence like intentional fashion sabotage.

Mix up a winter sangria that leans heavily on citrus, spice and the kind of enthusiasm normally reserved for surprise snow days. Share it generously, or don’t, this month doesn’t need more rules. Let it carry you through the month with the confidence of someone who already wrapped their gifts.

Celebrate optimism right before the longest night of the year by pausing to find the bright side, even if you need to squint a little. Small victories totally count, like discovering an extra fry at the bottom of the bag, especially when the sun sets at 4 p.m. Pretend the universe is handing out gold stars for effort, because in a month that runs on stress and sugar, it absolutely should be.

Festivus is like Thanksgiving dinner but with more honest confrontation. Gather your family for the traditional Airing of Grievances, where you tell everyone how they’ve disappointed you this year. Then close it out with the Feats of Strength, bringing just the right amount of spirit to count as effort, but not so intense that anyone ends the night holding an ice pack.

Honor this sacred tradition by cooking bacon with the intensity of a Sunday-morning dad, all focus and personal pride. Let the aroma drift through your home until your pets start acting like you’ve summoned them telepathically, before approaching every crispy strip with the enthusiasm of someone in their twenties who just discovered brunch.