Check off every annoying activity or behavior you simply can't stand, but be warned -- this list is not for the easily enraged and may have side effects including, but not limited to: heightened stress, blood pressure, anxiety, anger and general hatred of the world around you! Read responsibly :)
No explanation needed.
We're not just talking about legos and toys here, either. We're talking about crumbs, dirt, clothes -- basically anything that doesn't belong on the floor. Which is everything.
Although public transportation is one of mankind's greatest gifts to himself, it is also one of his greatest curses. B.O., inconsiderate people, pushing, backpacks, dogs, dudes doing pull-ups on the bars you're supposed to hold onto -- must I say more?
IT'S A ZIPPER FORMATION, PEOPLE. A FREAKING ZIPPER.
I am not, nor have I ever been, a robot. Not now. Not ever. Also, are these things case-sensitive?! I literally don't believe any human being OR robot, dead or alive, knows the answer to that question.
Do...do I untie them and do it again...?
Stay at home or prepare to be aggressively and publicly shushed, a lá John Krasinski in "A Quiet Place."
It never touches the corner.
If you've ever travelled outside of the country, you know what I mean. Also, if you've ever booked a flight to LA for 3 a.m. instead of 3 p.m., you know what I mean.
They don't stick in your ear. They just don't.
Also, they tangle themselves into impossible knots. WTF is up with that?
Me: Call "girlfriend."
Phone: Searching the internet for "singles in your area."
Me: F*ck it.
Gas stations, effectively charging $5 for a pack of gum since 2004.
Oh yeah, I'm sooooo glad you're saving fractions of a cent by forcing me to pay an ATM fee. I would have tipped you more with my card.
Doesn't matter if you're stuck in the car with your boyfriend and he's forcing you to listen to his favorite album for the 18th time or the guys at your office are bumping "pump-up tunes" -- listening to someone else's music (when you don't want to) sucks.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, we're no longer friends.
It came out of nowhere. What were all these gluten-free people doing circa-2001? Dying? I DON'T THINK SO.
Just because I paused over "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" does NOT mean I want to watch "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt," listen to the trailer for "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" or even look at the cover photo. I stopped here because my microwave dinner is ready. I'll be watching "The Last Jedi"...again.
If I have to unsubscribe from ONE MORE NEWSLETTER that I DIDN'T subscribe to, I will explode into a bagazillion tiny little pieces.
OK, sure -- sometimes a ticket is warranted. But they are a guaranteed shortcut to immediate infuriation. Trust me, I live in Boston!
Or vice-versa...but mostly just when they don't have Coke.
Because Coke is better.
For the love of all that is right in this world, don't hand me a pair of earplugs and a heartfelt note about this being your quadruplets' first time flying on an airplane. Why are you bringing babies on the plane in the first place?! Leave 'em at home where they belong. They're not going to remember Disney anyways. We all know this trip is for you.
Is this your sidewalk, sir? Did they put your name on that curb, madam? Hmm? No? Well in that case, GTFO of my way.
Seriously though. They're always cracking or falling in toilets, they're turning us into crippled cyborgs incapable of human contact and they cost a fortune to maintain. #BringBackLandLines
I'm not kidding. There's an army of these people, and they'll stop at nothing to convince you that they cringe when you utter this simply (apparently) unbearable syllable.
Toothpaste? Let a brother know. White head? Text me. Booger? SOUND THE ALARM. Come on people, it's about time we started looking out for each other.
You should have left earlier. Unless an actual act of god came between you and your destination, there are no excuses for tardiness.
This one's hard to put into words. Sure, I think PDA can be done in a "tasteful" and "respectful" manner, but at the same time...it's kind of gross. Why? I don't know. What I do know? Get a room.
I am not a dog. I am not your servant. I'm simply not paying attention to you and since you snapped at me, I will continue to not pay attention to you.
"If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for *bugs* like you."
It's not fair. Some would even say it's...infuriating.