Summer is (un)officially here, which means a new season of "The Bachelorette" is finally underway and we are all set with plenty of garbage television to watch every Monday for the foreseeable future. In one of the most anticipated seasons yet, Becca Kufrin has taken the lead as the new Bachelorette, and a slew of gentleman suitors are vying to win her heart and hopefully put a ring on her finger.
I will start out by saying that I didn't watch the last season of "The Bachelor," so I did not witness firsthand when Arie Luyendyk Jr. ripped out Becca's heart on national television and got himself banned from entering the state of Minnesota in the process. So, I am coming into this season with fresh eyes and although I haven't seen Becca and Arie's breakup in its entirety, watching the clip of her saying "are you F*CKING kidding me?" as it was happening was enough to make me feel for her and hate his stinkin' guts along with the rest of America.
Last night's episode started out with an intro of Becca and a girl gang meeting at the Bachelor Mansion of her and previous Bachelorettes JoJo Fletcher, Rachel Lindsay and Kaitlyn Bristowe. Kaitlyn, always the most relatable woman in the room, was left standing in the corner sipping her pinot as Rachel "saged" the mansion of its bad energy. The girls pointed out that in all three of their seasons, the contestant whom they gave their first impression rose to (and the first one they kissed on night one) was who they ended up engaged to. So....take that with a grain of salt. Or not.
Bring on the Men
A whopping 28 men arrived to meet Becca on night one, but I have to admit that when their cast photos were all released a few weeks ago, I wasn't impressed. A social media participant and a former Harlem Globetrotter? Are we serious? As the boys started to arrive, I had some thoughts.
First of all, Clay the Football Player is a child trapped in an NFL player's body. Please, sir, I don't care how long you played professional football, you can only use so many "catch feelings" puns before it gets reallll old. If you're trying to play up the former #sports participant role, do it like Colton. He used to play for an NFL team (and used to date Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman) but got injured and was forced to quit the sport, and then started a charity in honor of his cousin who has cystic fibrosis. Can we all swoon together for a moment? The Colorado native also brought party poppers with him when meeting Becca to celebrate her first night as the Bachelorette, so he gets a gold star in my book.
It seems like Becca does have a good amount of genuine guys here for her, which is comforting to say the least. Grant went out of his way to tell her how much respect he has for her strength during her breakup with Arie, Lincoln brought her a piece of birthday cake and Connor went so far as to get down on one knee and reassure her that he is ready to open his heart up to her. **heart breaks into a million pieces**
Shoutout to both Blake and Garrett for making it clear that they are ready to sweep Becca off her feet. For all intents and purposes, Blake seems to be on the same page as Becca on the relationship front -- he also recently got out of a serious relationship that made him realize what he actually wants and needs out of a good partner. Garrett tried to teach Becca how to fly fish in the mansion's pool, and being a midwestern girl myself, I am here for this. Becca grew up in Minnesota, so it's no surprise that she immediately felt "at home" with the Nevada-native.
It wouldn't be a "Bachelorette" intro night without a few animal suits and some drama, and last night we got both. David showed up in a chicken suit but actually seemed like a pretty nice guy (once he took the beak off), and we already have dude drama and someone "not here for the right reasons." Surprise, surprise.
The mansion clown awards go to Jordan and Jean Blanc. Yes, Jean Blanc as in sauvignon blanc, as in all the wine I am going to need to drink to make it through this season. He's coined himself a "Colognoisseur" and quite literally says that cologne is the "essence of your soul." My allergies are acting up just hearing this guy talk.
Jordan, on the other hand, is like a Robby Hayes on steroids (but not the good kind). This Ken doll wannabe is convinced that his "pensive gentleman" look is going to take him places, but can't stop fixing his eyebrows or talking about his outfit long enough to notice. "Being a model is so much more than being ridiculously good looking," he says, while explaining that he spent six hours choosing each piece of his suit for night one. My eyes hurt from rolling them so many times.
There were some other guys there too, including one that arrived in a hearse because he "literally died" when he found out Becca was the Bachelorette, but none of them are worth noting yet. Mostly because I am still not over the fact that Mike, though he had a very nice man bun, arrived with a life size cardboard cutout of Arie and didn't rip its head off at any point. If you wanted to win points with Becca, that was a no-brainer way to do it, bro.
Becca sent Jake from Minneapolis home before they even got to the rose ceremony, pointing out that the two had met before and nothing happened between them, so why would this time be any different? Amen, sista.
Garret got the first impression rose as well as the coveted first kiss of the season. I've gotta say, I am very OK with this even though he did arrive in a minivan with soccer balls and a diaper bag in tow. Family man -- WE GET IT.
Alas, the rose ceremony came and went, and we said goodbye to Chase, Kamil the “Social Media Participant,” Joe the grocery store owner, Darius, Christian and Grant.
My faves so far: Colton, Connor, David, Blake and Garrett.
Next week on the most dramatic recap ever: the dates begin.