On last night's episode of "The Bachelor," in between the drama that ultimately led to [spoiler] Sarah Trott's self-elimination, one woman actually had a lovely time with Matt James. Our bachelor chose to bring Serena Pitt on his next one-on-one date, and the two enjoyed a horseback ride and picnic on the grounds, followed by the inevitable wood-burning hot tub soak. They chatted about their past relationships, whether or not they've ever been in love and revealed that they're falling "in like" with each other. *cue pained "awww"*
During the picnic portion of their date, in between taking Polaroid selfies and getting interrupted mid-kiss by a *checks notes* donkey, James and Pitt set up a little makeshift charcuterie board, and James revealed he had never...had one before.
Matt James is a dude, and it's understandable that dudes may not fully appreciate the fine art that is charcuterie-building. But you're telling me that a grown 29-year-old man who has likely entertained many a lady friend over the years has never put cheese and salami on a plate and nibbled over drinks and reality television?
His excuse? "I'm not a big wine drinker!" Fine.
There is at least one dude out there, however, who not only understands the mechanics of a good charcuterie board, but who has the special job of rating and roasting everyone else's. Comedian Jared Freid, the Board Lord, has made it his mission to look out for the perfect charcuterie board, though he's a tough critic -- his last big roast was that of Luna Stephens' snack board.
James tried to redeem himself while the episode was airing last night, posting photos and video on Twitter of his makeshift charcuterie board. We have literal Lunchable pizzas, Teddy Grahams and hummus with chips, so...he tried.
We gotta give it to him -- at least he put some effort into the presentation. The cracker heart is kinda cute.
But, alas, Freid was not impressed. He promptly got online to roast the heck out of James' spread, pointing out that he didn't have to put the pita chips in the hummus and that the pizza was a step too far.
Freid's a longtime fan of the "Bachelor" franchise, "live-screaming" every week via his Instagram stories and previewing the seasons' contestants before the shows begin. He also currently co-hosts Betches Media's "The Betchelor" podcast, and his charcuterie reviews are ever so popular on Twitter, so James' attempt at a charcuterie board was the best of both worlds for the New York-based stand-up comedian.
The Board Lord's summary of this Lunchable/Teddy Graham concoction? A "disaster."
Better luck next time, Matt.