There’s no question that "Home Alone" is a holiday classic. Watching little Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) defend his house from would-be robbers while wishing for his mother to come back home in time for Christmas is an annual must-watch in the holiday film rotation. "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York," isn't too shabby either, with Kevin once again forgotten by his family and left to traipse around Manhattan amid a backdrop of twinkle lights and city scenery. We love these movies so much, but when are we going to get a proper "Home Alone 3"?
Technically, "Home Alone 3" (and 4 and 5) already exist, but if you’ve seen them, you know they’re pretty much rubbish. Film 3 follows some kid named Alex who has the chicken pox. Number 4 revisits Kevin (not played by Culkin), but now his parents are separated (why would they do that?) and a recast Marv (French Stewart) terrorizes Kevin with the help of his wife. Royalty somehow figures into the plot, too. None of the original cast appeared for this 2002 TV special. The fifth franchise film, “Home Alone: The Holiday Heist,” is another departure, this time about the Baxter family, who are moving from California to Maine. These sequels pale in comparison to the original two in terms of talent, laughs and emotion.
A sixth movie is currently filming in Canada, featuring an unnamed boy who steals from a couple. Culkin is supposed to make an appearance as Kevin, along with Harry, Marv and Buzz (but there’s no word if the original actors will play them). Rob Delaney, Ellie Kemper, Kenan Thompson and Chris Parnell will also appear. Original screenwriter John Hughes passed away in 2009, so this film will be written by “Saturday Night Live” writers Mikey Day and Streeter Seidell. The film will stream on Disney+, since the studio acquired the "Home Alone" franchise as part of the Fox merger. We’re intrigued, but this is still not what we want. We want a movie starring Kevin, just like the 2018 Google Assistant ad, and we want it now.
Kevin Zak, a writer and actor on Twitter, has read our minds and dreamed up the perfect third installment for Kevin (erasing all movies past the second). He proposes that Kevin (now 40, just like Culkin in real life) works at Carnegie Hall (which is a reference to "Home Alone 2’s" Pigeon Lady) while living in his uncle’s New York townhouse (which I assume has completed its remodel 28 years later) with his husband, played by "Schitt’s Creek" actor Dan Levy. After all that childhood trauma, this is the glamorous life Kevin surely deserves.
It's also perfect casting, as we know Levy is electric on screen with Kevin’s mama (Catherine O’Hara), as they played mother and son on "Schitt’s Creek." (Yes, Mrs. McCallister and Moira Rose are played by the same actress, for those of you still catching up!)
In Zak's version, Kevin and Derek visit Chicago to help Mrs. McCallister move out of the McCallister mansion, since Kate is recently widowed from Peter, which is a nice nod to actor John Heard, who died in 2017.
After completing their 30-year sentence, Harry and Marv are out for revenge -- this time on Kate!
This is where it gets good, as Kevin and Derek arrive just in time to find a ransom note from Marv and Harry:
Kevin now needs to save his mom!
Of course they’re at the church!
Kevin gets to act like a badass while Derek shows off his physical comedy skills:
What Harry and Marv don't anticipate is that they have met their match in Mama McCallister.
They all live happily Christmas ever after. The end.
Then Zak goes off the rails a bit, explaining how Kate would reveal what really happened with that polka band back when she was hitchhiking to Chicago in 1990, but we’ll just skip that part and not ruin the fitting tale he has spun.
When people on Twitter imagined the scenery-chewing O’Hara could do with this, interest was piqued.
Wouldn’t it also be great if sparks flew between Derek’s dad and Kevin’s mom?
Or have we fully crossed over into "Schitt’s Creek"/"Home Alone" fan fiction at this point?
One request: a grown-up Fuller (aka Kieran Culkin aka Roman on "Succession") must also appear.
Maybe Disney’s version is closer to this than we realized. If not, let's use all of our Christmas wishes and will this into existence, ya filthy animals!