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1. A 23-year-old man tried to steal a monkey from a New Zealand zoo for his girlfriend.
The monkeys proceeded to beat the living sh*t out of him. One broken leg, two fractured teeth, a sprained ankle and a few bruises later, John Casford was released from monkey custody and turned in to the police. He described himself as "high as piss" during the encounter, but we don't think that's gonna be all that helpful during his trial.