Attention: This post contains spoilers for "AHS: Apocalypse" episode one, “The End.”
You guys. The apocalypse looks like it (obviously) sucks, but surviving it looks even worse. The newest season of "American Horror Story" has promised to be a crazy mash-up of two of our favorite previous seasons -- “Murder House” and “Coven” -- and it started with a bang (literally) when big cities like L.A. were annihilated thanks to nuclear bombs.A lucky few survived, including the rich, who bought their way to safety, and those chosen for their superior genetic makeup (get those spit samples into 23andMe, everybody!). They were taken to a safe house run by the mysterious Collective. Ms. Venable (Sarah Paulson) rules the underground bunker with a severe school-marm fist and it seems to be a mix of Victorian gothic aesthetic meets prison rules.
First of all, there's no real food after the apocalypse. The
guests (inmates?) subsist on three daily rations of vitamin-rich gelatin cubes,
which will apparently only last 18 months. The only real meal they get
is a probably human meat stew that tastes like chicken, and what’s the
point of a future without good eats, really?
Then there’s the clothes: They
all dress in gorgeous Victorian dresses, but if it were me, I'd like to be comfy after the
apocalypse thankyouverymuch. How about a nice pair of leggings? The only music
is a single song that plays on repeat. Sadly, iPods can no longer shuffle after the end
of the world, I guess.
Oh, and the perfect, genetically superior people aren’t
even allowed to have sex -- just a stolen kiss every day. This blows and I
want no part of it.
Something is afoot with the sadistic Ms. Venable and her
minion (Kathy Bates), too. They pick off people randomly after falsely accusing
them of bringing radiation into the house. Then they probably cook said people.
They have divided the house into the haves (the Purples) and the have-nots (Greys),
who serve the Purples and the duo governs with an iron fist for what seems to
be their own amusement.
Aside from the food, they could totally make this into
an underground party house -- the lighting is really dope and the people are
attractive. I'm just saying that there are ways to pass the time. But no, buzzkill, let’s
all sit around and listen to one song and b*tch about the food.
Luckily, the episode ended with Michael Langdon (Cody Fern),
the anti-Christ child born from ghost Tate and Vivien from season one, grown up
and coming into the bunker to shake things up. Only the worthy will survive to
go to the next outpost, he says. Hopefully, he’ll bring the fun people to a
house of endless pizza and Netflix. Now that is a scenario I could live with.